Chemo 1 - Theresa 0

On Tuesday (10/18) I had my first chemo session at the fusion room. David was able to go with me and although it was a long day things went well. Neither of us knew what to expect, turns out it's pretty uneventful. The morning starts with routine blood work to make sure all is well. After it's just a day of the IV pumping in hydration, anti-nausea meds and finally the chemo drugs. That night and following day I was tired and had a slight headache off and on but otherwise I felt fine. Thursday morning I had to go back to the fusion room for a shot of Neulesta which is to stimulate the white blood count since the chemo lowers it. So far so good, I made it through my first session and my port is healing well. The nurse was surprised with how little bruising I have.

First chemo, pink lipstick & all!!

All was well until Thursday night and my head began pounding. I could not shake this headache for anything! It was an awful night of no sleep, tossing and turning and the first of many tears. It was the start of 60 hours of HELL!! By morning I was exhausted, my head hurt worse then ever and I was beginning to vomit. Somehow I managed to get the kids off to school and spent the rest of the day on the couch. Mid-morning I finally put a call in to my oncologist, the headaches were a side affect of the ant-nausea meds that were in my IV and by then I had severe pain in my back and sternum which was a side affect of the Neulesta. The recommendation was to take Percocet to help the pain, drink lots of fluids and rest. By the time the kids got home from school I was a non-functioning human being. the next 12 hours I could not eat, drink or keep any medication down, It was awful!!

Jack took it all in stride, thought nothing of it as I jumped up to go vomit mid conversation. Luckily he got to go to a Middle School get together and have a 2 hour break. Poor Ava was like a deer in headlights. She handled herself well and managed to feed herself and get ready for dance. Thankfully my friend Becky checked in on me and was able to come take care of Ava until she left for dance and me until David got home. The vice grip on my head continued all through the night and once again David and I had very little sleep. There was many times I uttered "I can't do this!" The next morning I was hurting and torn up inside, it was the day of Ava's birthday party and there was no way I could do a thing!! I was sicker then I had ever been and my heart was breaking in ten thousand pieces for my girl. I always make birthdays a big deal in our house and I could not stand never-less host a party.

THANK GOD I am blessed with the most amazing friends!! I can not say it enough, I am so grateful and full of love for these ladies that helped pull Ava's party off. THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU Perri, Meg, Kerrie, Kristy, Becky, Jess & Jennifer! It means the absolute world to me that you made Ava's day so special while David took care of me. Ava had such a wonderful time! Thankfully after another 12 hours of less fit full sleep I was on the other end come morning. I was anew person on Sunday, I was eating, drinking and even able to attend Jack's soccer game.
Tomorrow I have a follow up with my oncologist and hopefully we can come up with a game plan to possibly help or lessen the side affects next round, which is November 1st.

HAPPY 9TH BIRTHDAY PRINCESS P!!

It's funny how strong you think you are until the worst strikes. I was feeling disappointed in myself for how I handled things. In general I am not a complainer, I handle pain well and I just keep moving. I knew chemo would knock me down but not like this. Then I received a text "Just keep in mind the side affects from chemo have nothing to do with how strong you are. It's just the bullshit that comes with the treatments. Your strength is in mind and spirit." Thank you Dana for the words, it's what I needed to hear and to stop beating myself up. Hopefully things will stay well until the next round. For now I am going to enjoy the time I have left with my HAIR!! XO

PS.. David deserves the husband and Dad of the year award for what I put him through this weekend. Love you forever & always!!

My brother Butch carved this for me. LOVE!

Life Is Changing

Hurry up and wait is all I have done since the start of September. Weather it is waiting to hear from a doctor, getting a test done, booking a surgery, waiting for results or starting treatment, I just hurry up to wait. The thing is I want everything done yesterday but at the same time I don't ever want it to start. Every step is scary and unknown. Every step I am waiting for results but scared of what they might be. While I wait I learn to try and except it but life goes on. I keep as busy as I can but I'm also on pins and needles. Some days I'm fine, others I never know what will get me crying. In the mean time I am trying to keep life as normal as possible for Jack and Ava. We go soccer practice, games, Irish dance class, Feis, I have volunteered in school, we celebrated Jack's birthday and we are planning Ava's.

Last week I had an echo-cardiogram to prep for the start of chemotherapy. It's a routine test to make sure my heart is strong enough to handle it, for once the results were fine, yay me! Today I had my port in to make treatments easier and blood work done through out the process. Everything went well. Surprisingly I only teared up a few times while waiting to go in and after the procedure. To be honest the tests that I have endured or the treatment to come is not what scares me, it's the affect the chemotherapy will have on me. I am more scared of losing my hair, my eyebrows and eyelashes, being sick, all the side affects that may come and make it so I will not being able to be me. It's hard for me knowing I may not be able to go to all of  Jack's games or Ava's Feis or volunteer at class parties or go a million miles a minute like I'm use to. Life is changing and that's the hardest. 

I do not look at myself as courageous or brave. There are days it takes everything in me to stay positive. I am doing my best to believe I will beat this. I share my story in hopes that I will save one person from going through what I am going through. I never made time for myself and I always pushed my own well being to the side. This is who I am. It was my choice but from here on out that will change. As my sister Susan always says "If you don't have your health, you don't have anything." It's the truth!! If you want to be there for your family it starts with taking care of you. It warms my heart knowing that recently people in our community are going in for their pushed off doctor appointment, ultrasounds and mammograms. Putting myself out there has done what I hoped.

As scared as I am to begin I will continue to be strong for my kids. I will continue to stay positive. I will fight with everything I have. I can't even express the amount of gratitude that I (and my family) have for all the support we have received. We are so blessed and so loved. So THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU to everyone out there helping us in any way. Tomorrow is my first day of chemo, even as scared as I am I know it it is the first day of the rest of my life. Thank you my prayer warriors for the non stop prayers! XO

Not What I Wanted to Hear

Last night I took the kids to Hackettstown's  Boys Varsity Soccer game even though I really didn't want to go. I hate running into people and making awkward small talk that usually ends with tears running down my face. But since I'm trying to keep life as normal as possible for them I went anyway. I managed to sit away from everyone we know (thanks Dana for hanging with me and not being awkward at all.) As we stood for the National Anthem I glanced around the field and I couldn't help but think "Please God let me live long enough to see Jack play on this field."

In the last 48 hours I have had every wave of emotion rush through me. On Monday I had my PET scan done to check for cancer that spread. Even though in my gut I knew it had I tried to stay positive in hopes the results would be "only breast cancer." Wednesday afternoon I received the call from my breast surgeon with the results...well that hip pain you have is cancer, the cancer has spread to your bone. I can't say I was surprised by this result and it took away any decision to made..Chemo will be first. My surgeon and oncologist discussed my case, I will begin chemo  ASAP. I still have stage 3 breast cancer and the very beginning of  cancer in my bones. (Hopefully it's the beginning...the radiologist recommended an MRI on my spine and every time the suggest another test my results are worse!) They are going to treat it like stage 4, the treatment will be aggressive in hopes to stop, possibly eliminate the spread.  If the cancer in my breast responds well to the chemo they will still go ahead with the breast surgery. There is definitely no good news in any of this. It's really becoming difficult to find a silver lining.

Since my first results this is the first time that I wasn't as confident about the outcome. When it was just breast cancer I knew I would win. It was going to suck but there was no doubt that I was going to survive. The game changed on me. Jack was home when I received the results and I had to tell him almost immediately after I got the news. He knew something was wrong because I was quite visibly upset. I told him the news and it was the first time that I didn't say "I'm going to be fine." Imagine how it feels when your 11 year old it trying to comfort you, has tears in his eyes, keeps saying "I just want you to be better, I love you so much." and is hugging you like he never has before. He's the child, he shouldn't have to comfort me. He should be free with no worries in the world.

I am trying with all my heart to keep my faith and think positive but it is not easy. At least I have a plan now and can move forward. A few more doctors visits and I can begin chemo. With that comes a whole different set of emotions about losing my hair and being sick. It's real now and it sucks!! My heart is broken in a thousand pieces and not for me. It breaks for David, Jack and Ava for having to witness this. It's not fair. I will fight with everything I got and will not give up hope even though it's tough to see beyond this. Thank you to everyone is by my side. Continue to pray, it's in God's hands now. Xo