The Truth Is...

There are many things I have learned since being diagnosed with breast cancer, the first being BREAST CANCER IS NOT ONE SIZE FITS ALL! The truth is it is not PINK and fluffy. The truth is each stage of breast cancer has a certain "protocol" of treatment. The truth is it is unpredictable. The truth is everyone handles it differently. The truth is you will experience 6 million emotions. The truth is support groups are not for everyone. The truth is every persons journey is different. The truth is the "bed side manner" of any doctor, nurse, tech...will really make a difference in how you handle each and every procedure or treatment. The truth is breast cancer does not only effect the person who has it but family, friends and everyone around them. The truth is some people will disappoint you. The truth is some people will surprise you. The truth is your FAITH will be tested. The truth is you will hear more times then you can count "You're so strong. I would not be able to do it." The truth is YES YOU WOULD because you have two choices... fight to live or give up. The truth is you WILL find the strength when you need it most. The truth is I am fighting with all I got because winning is the ONLY option!

The truth is BREAST CANCER SUCKS!!  

THE TRUTH IS   

I saw a meme the other day that said "Have you ever just sat back and thought... Damn I've been through a lot of shit." Let me tell you my family has had our fair share of challenges but every challenge has made us stronger as a family. As many know dealing with family health issues is not new to us. I have always tried to be positive but after dealing with Ava's hip dysplasia I began to appreciate the little things more. After we got to the other side I thought it would be the hardest thing we would face. Boy was I wrong!! When dealing with any health issue attitude is half the battle and staying positive even on the roughest days can make the world of difference. The truth is I don't think what I am doing is anything special or amazing. I am just a Mom doing what I have to do to be here to watch my kids grow up. I am very fortunate that my body has handled every treatment well and I am lucky that I never looked "sick" even on my worst days.  I am thankful I have husband that loves me, an INCREDIBLE support system and fortunate that David and I could be completely honest with Jack and Ava and they have handled these last 8 months like champs.

I have awesome doctors that have explained everythings well and tell me the best to their knowledge of what to expect but the one thing they can't tell me is how to get through it. When you get a cancer diagnosis you have no idea what the outcome will be. It's scary and so many decisions have to be made quickly. Here's the side people don't see. I suffer from depression and was diagnosed almost 5 years after Ava's ordeal. I am not ashamed or scared to admit it, in fact I had to double my medication to get through this. After my first chemo and I was so sick I wanted to give up more then anything and even said to David "I can't do this!" He laughed at me and reminded me how strong and determined I can be. There were days it took everything I had to get out of bed and get my kids off to school. There were days after I got the kids out the door that I did not leave the couch until they got home. There were days I cried none stop. There were days that I sat at a soccer game or took Ava to a feis and I felt like I was run over by a truck, yet when people asked how I was doing I smiled and said "Great!" I never want pity or people to feel sorry for me. Through out treatment I continued to make lunches every day, clean my house and do the laundry not because I had to (and lord knows enough people offered) but because I needed something normal in my life. 

The truth is cancer changes you and puts everything in perspective. I chose to be positive and from the day I was diagnosed I said I would win and now I am beating this awful disease. The truth is I hope by sharing my story I make a difference in at least one persons life. The truth is there will always be someone that has it better then you and always someone that has it worse then you. You are your own destiny and it is your choice how you face life's challenges. It's all in perspective... Chose wisely because life is to short to not walk in the sunshine. XO

Recovery

It has been 18 days since surgery! Funny thing is I came on my blog to update about my surgery and realized I already did. Clearly I was more drugged up then I remember and my memory still sucks. So far things have been going well. The first week I was home I had minimal pain but it was very difficult to get comfortable. I was able to get around okay but limited movement on my upper half...even if I wanted to move more I couldn't. One week after surgery I returned to the plastic surgeon for a check up. Everything was healing well so far but unfortunately my drains were not ready to come out. We scheduled an appointment for Thursday but come Thursday there was still to much drainage. The hardest part in this early part of the recovery was the drains. They were uncomfortable and I had this fear of accidentally yanking them out.

On Thursday May 11th I received a call from the nurse practitioner that works with my breast surgeons. This is the call that I have been trying to not think about, the call I dreaded and wanted all at the same time. When I answered she first asked how I was doing, feeling and healing then proceeded to tell me the pathology results were in. (Me holding my breath...) She immediately said they are good. Oh thank God!! and HAPPY tears ran down my face as I listened. First she praised me for making the choices I did... My left breast (noncancerous one) had ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS) or in layman's terms pre-cancerous cells, the right nipple (the cancerous breast) had stage 0 cancer (or the same as my left breast) and the cancerous cells removed had negative margins. In other words no cancer cells were seen on the outer edge of the removed tissue. They got it all!!! Goodbye cancer!! I have had a lot of positive news over the last few months but this is the first time I felt absolute relief. It's the first time I felt like I could celebrate. I never worried about having surgery but I really struggled with accepting the loss of my breasts. I could not wrap my head around being okay with it. From the day I was diagnosed I said I would have a double mastectomy but accepting it is a whole different ball game. This phone call was my moment of clarity. I made the best decision ever!! GOODBYE BREASTS!! YOU WERE TRYING TO KILL ME!!!

This may have been my best Mother's Day ever!! I even felt well enough to go to Jack's soccer game drains and all. Thankfully this past Monday (May 15th) my drains were finally ready to be removed or I should say yanked out...the only way to remove them. Ouch!! And finally after 2 weeks I could shower! I swear that was the best shower I have ever had, I literally stayed in there until the hot water was running out. I finally got the courage to look at my new frankenboobs... wow they are not as bad as I feared. They feel odd and don't feel a part of my yet but they do not look as scary as I thought they would. It also felt great to be able to use a sports bra opposed to the super uncomfortable surgical bra. I have to wear a 'binding' bra 24/7 to help the swelling to go down other then when I shower. I am still on restricted activity. I can not lift anything heavier then a gallon of milk and I need to keep my driving local. I go back for another check up next Wednesday to see how things are progressing. It feels good to get out and each day I feel better and better. All I can say is GOD is GOOD and I am so blessed!! xo

Double Mastectomy

How quickly time flies! When I finished chemo back in February May 1st seemed so far away but it came up quicker then I could ever imagine. During the 2 months I was waiting for surgery my days were filled with doctor appointments. After I had my port removed (it went well) I also had to have  a EKG, chest x-ray, lots of blood work, physical and I followed up with my vascular surgeon. Every test came back fine and I was cleared for surgery. I also had a consultation with my radiation oncologist.

The weeks leading up to the surgery were difficult for me. I was okay with the surgery part but I had a hard time excepting the removal of my breasts. I read several books and blogs to figure out to become okay with it.What I learned is that I needed to go through a grieving process.... and the Xanax that my doctor prescribed helped too. I'm not sure I really became okay with it but May 1st came and it was surgery time. I surprised myself  on how calm I was. It wasn't until they were about to wheel to the OR that the waterworks started. In that second it became real. Thankfully the anesthesiologist had already given me something to calm me and out I went. I hardly  remember saying goodbye to  David and the next thing I remember is waking up in my room,

While I was out I had my ovaries and tubes removed, the mastectomy and the tissue expanders were put in. Monday night went by in a haze. I had a hard time staying awake, as I was returning text to people I fell asleep mid typing then suddenly my eyes would pop open and I would continue. It really was quite comical. I spent two nights in the hospital and so happy to be released Wednesday before lunch. It's always good to go home and so happy to see Jack and Ava. All three surgeons said it all went well and everything looked clear of cancer. Now we wait for the pathology results to confirm that. I am very thankfully that my pain has not been to bad. Pain management is good and hoping it will just get better every day. Let the healing begin!! I can hardly believe that surgery day has come and gone. I have two drains in until Monday then I can shower and slowly add more activity in my life.

I'm not sure when I will be able to look at my Frankenboobs but luckily they are bandaged for the rest of the week and I don't have to look yet. I am so thankful for all the love and prayers, it makes each step more bearable. Please keep the healing prayers coming. XO