Last night I took the kids to Hackettstown's Boys Varsity Soccer game even though I really didn't want to go. I hate running into people and making awkward small talk that usually ends with tears running down my face. But since I'm trying to keep life as normal as possible for them I went anyway. I managed to sit away from everyone we know (thanks Dana for hanging with me and not being awkward at all.) As we stood for the National Anthem I glanced around the field and I couldn't help but think "Please God let me live long enough to see Jack play on this field."
In the last 48 hours I have had every wave of emotion rush through me. On Monday I had my PET scan done to check for cancer that spread. Even though in my gut I knew it had I tried to stay positive in hopes the results would be "only breast cancer." Wednesday afternoon I received the call from my breast surgeon with the results...well that hip pain you have is cancer, the cancer has spread to your bone. I can't say I was surprised by this result and it took away any decision to made..Chemo will be first. My surgeon and oncologist discussed my case, I will begin chemo ASAP. I still have stage 3 breast cancer and the very beginning of cancer in my bones. (Hopefully it's the beginning...the radiologist recommended an MRI on my spine and every time the suggest another test my results are worse!) They are going to treat it like stage 4, the treatment will be aggressive in hopes to stop, possibly eliminate the spread. If the cancer in my breast responds well to the chemo they will still go ahead with the breast surgery. There is definitely no good news in any of this. It's really becoming difficult to find a silver lining.
Since my first results this is the first time that I wasn't as confident about the outcome. When it was just breast cancer I knew I would win. It was going to suck but there was no doubt that I was going to survive. The game changed on me. Jack was home when I received the results and I had to tell him almost immediately after I got the news. He knew something was wrong because I was quite visibly upset. I told him the news and it was the first time that I didn't say "I'm going to be fine." Imagine how it feels when your 11 year old it trying to comfort you, has tears in his eyes, keeps saying "I just want you to be better, I love you so much." and is hugging you like he never has before. He's the child, he shouldn't have to comfort me. He should be free with no worries in the world.
I am trying with all my heart to keep my faith and think positive but it is not easy. At least I have a plan now and can move forward. A few more doctors visits and I can begin chemo. With that comes a whole different set of emotions about losing my hair and being sick. It's real now and it sucks!! My heart is broken in a thousand pieces and not for me. It breaks for David, Jack and Ava for having to witness this. It's not fair. I will fight with everything I got and will not give up hope even though it's tough to see beyond this. Thank you to everyone is by my side. Continue to pray, it's in God's hands now. Xo
Theresa, as I read through your blog my heart can't help but to break for you and your family. I was where you are now exactly 1 year ago. It is the absolute worse feeling I've ever experienced. You seem to have a lot of support from family and friends. Hold on to that. If I learned nothing else, it is that we are stronger than we think and it's times like these that we need to rise to the challenge and do whatever needs to be done to get better. Have faith and stay strong. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS!!
ReplyDelete