The End of Treatment

Hard to believe it is August already and almost a year since my diagnosis. I have to say even though there were moments I felt like time was standing still, this year did move pretty quickly. I recovered well from my mastectomy after the drains were removed; it felt like a eternity that they were in. My last check up with the plastic surgeon went well. He was happy with my healing and in November I will get my implants. One more surgery and that hopefully will be the end.

After recovering from surgery I began radiation therapy. 5 days a week for 5 weeks. Radiation was easy and quick (I was there at the most 20 minutes!)  I did not feel a thing and really had no side effects until the end. About 3 days before my last session my skin began to peel. At first it wasn't bad and was very manageable. Unfortunately it gets worse before it gets better. Well that was definitely played down!! I was not prepared for the pain, oozing and open wounds. I apply Auqaphor several times a day along with a burn cream but neither give much relief. The burns are big, from my clavicle bone to the bottom of my breast, from my sternum to under my armpit, down my side and slightly on my back. There were days I had to wear bandages tucked into a super soft bra because the skin was sticking and coming off on my clothing. It was so gross!! The pain was unbearable at times and worse then the pain I had from my mastectomy. I was not prepared at all for this!!

Here I am 3 weeks later and most of the oozing has stopped and although the pain is not gone it is much better... a little more bearable. Thankfully before the pain got to its worst we were able to get away for a quick overnight at the beach. It was an awesome, much needed two day break from cancer. It was relaxing and wonderful to have no schedule and to enjoy my kids. Before I went away I had a follow up with my medical oncologist. I need to get blood work once my wounds heal and for now no medication. I go back in December for a checkup, sometime this winter a bone scan and I follow up with my radiation oncologist at the end of the month.

Having cancer is a life changing! Not only for me but the people around me, especially my family. I have learned a lot about myself, I was able to draw strength even in the moments I didn't think I could. I also learned a lot about other people. I had incredible friends who stood by me in the good, the bad and the ugly that I became closer to and friends that I drifted from. What no one tells you when your diagnosed is cancer will take over your life. You eat, sleep and breath cancer. Your schedule revolves around treatments and doctor appointments. It is all consuming. It is overwhelming. It is scary. I am so grateful for the people that stood by me, who I'm sure got tired of hearing my complaints and problems but still checked in with me often. They know who they are and I love them dearly.

I feel as if for the last year my life has been on hold. I look forward to getting my life back. Getting back to work, running my kids in fifty directions and not being consumed by cancer. I am so proud of  Jack and Ava and how they have handled this last year. They were extremely supportive, didn't bat an eye when I lost my 'shit' on them for no reason and just rolled with the punches. I look forward to new beginnings and enjoying the little things. Life is to short to worry about menial stuff. I know our perspective on life is forever changed!! xo

The Truth Is...

There are many things I have learned since being diagnosed with breast cancer, the first being BREAST CANCER IS NOT ONE SIZE FITS ALL! The truth is it is not PINK and fluffy. The truth is each stage of breast cancer has a certain "protocol" of treatment. The truth is it is unpredictable. The truth is everyone handles it differently. The truth is you will experience 6 million emotions. The truth is support groups are not for everyone. The truth is every persons journey is different. The truth is the "bed side manner" of any doctor, nurse, tech...will really make a difference in how you handle each and every procedure or treatment. The truth is breast cancer does not only effect the person who has it but family, friends and everyone around them. The truth is some people will disappoint you. The truth is some people will surprise you. The truth is your FAITH will be tested. The truth is you will hear more times then you can count "You're so strong. I would not be able to do it." The truth is YES YOU WOULD because you have two choices... fight to live or give up. The truth is you WILL find the strength when you need it most. The truth is I am fighting with all I got because winning is the ONLY option!

The truth is BREAST CANCER SUCKS!!  

THE TRUTH IS   

I saw a meme the other day that said "Have you ever just sat back and thought... Damn I've been through a lot of shit." Let me tell you my family has had our fair share of challenges but every challenge has made us stronger as a family. As many know dealing with family health issues is not new to us. I have always tried to be positive but after dealing with Ava's hip dysplasia I began to appreciate the little things more. After we got to the other side I thought it would be the hardest thing we would face. Boy was I wrong!! When dealing with any health issue attitude is half the battle and staying positive even on the roughest days can make the world of difference. The truth is I don't think what I am doing is anything special or amazing. I am just a Mom doing what I have to do to be here to watch my kids grow up. I am very fortunate that my body has handled every treatment well and I am lucky that I never looked "sick" even on my worst days.  I am thankful I have husband that loves me, an INCREDIBLE support system and fortunate that David and I could be completely honest with Jack and Ava and they have handled these last 8 months like champs.

I have awesome doctors that have explained everythings well and tell me the best to their knowledge of what to expect but the one thing they can't tell me is how to get through it. When you get a cancer diagnosis you have no idea what the outcome will be. It's scary and so many decisions have to be made quickly. Here's the side people don't see. I suffer from depression and was diagnosed almost 5 years after Ava's ordeal. I am not ashamed or scared to admit it, in fact I had to double my medication to get through this. After my first chemo and I was so sick I wanted to give up more then anything and even said to David "I can't do this!" He laughed at me and reminded me how strong and determined I can be. There were days it took everything I had to get out of bed and get my kids off to school. There were days after I got the kids out the door that I did not leave the couch until they got home. There were days I cried none stop. There were days that I sat at a soccer game or took Ava to a feis and I felt like I was run over by a truck, yet when people asked how I was doing I smiled and said "Great!" I never want pity or people to feel sorry for me. Through out treatment I continued to make lunches every day, clean my house and do the laundry not because I had to (and lord knows enough people offered) but because I needed something normal in my life. 

The truth is cancer changes you and puts everything in perspective. I chose to be positive and from the day I was diagnosed I said I would win and now I am beating this awful disease. The truth is I hope by sharing my story I make a difference in at least one persons life. The truth is there will always be someone that has it better then you and always someone that has it worse then you. You are your own destiny and it is your choice how you face life's challenges. It's all in perspective... Chose wisely because life is to short to not walk in the sunshine. XO

Recovery

It has been 18 days since surgery! Funny thing is I came on my blog to update about my surgery and realized I already did. Clearly I was more drugged up then I remember and my memory still sucks. So far things have been going well. The first week I was home I had minimal pain but it was very difficult to get comfortable. I was able to get around okay but limited movement on my upper half...even if I wanted to move more I couldn't. One week after surgery I returned to the plastic surgeon for a check up. Everything was healing well so far but unfortunately my drains were not ready to come out. We scheduled an appointment for Thursday but come Thursday there was still to much drainage. The hardest part in this early part of the recovery was the drains. They were uncomfortable and I had this fear of accidentally yanking them out.

On Thursday May 11th I received a call from the nurse practitioner that works with my breast surgeons. This is the call that I have been trying to not think about, the call I dreaded and wanted all at the same time. When I answered she first asked how I was doing, feeling and healing then proceeded to tell me the pathology results were in. (Me holding my breath...) She immediately said they are good. Oh thank God!! and HAPPY tears ran down my face as I listened. First she praised me for making the choices I did... My left breast (noncancerous one) had ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS) or in layman's terms pre-cancerous cells, the right nipple (the cancerous breast) had stage 0 cancer (or the same as my left breast) and the cancerous cells removed had negative margins. In other words no cancer cells were seen on the outer edge of the removed tissue. They got it all!!! Goodbye cancer!! I have had a lot of positive news over the last few months but this is the first time I felt absolute relief. It's the first time I felt like I could celebrate. I never worried about having surgery but I really struggled with accepting the loss of my breasts. I could not wrap my head around being okay with it. From the day I was diagnosed I said I would have a double mastectomy but accepting it is a whole different ball game. This phone call was my moment of clarity. I made the best decision ever!! GOODBYE BREASTS!! YOU WERE TRYING TO KILL ME!!!

This may have been my best Mother's Day ever!! I even felt well enough to go to Jack's soccer game drains and all. Thankfully this past Monday (May 15th) my drains were finally ready to be removed or I should say yanked out...the only way to remove them. Ouch!! And finally after 2 weeks I could shower! I swear that was the best shower I have ever had, I literally stayed in there until the hot water was running out. I finally got the courage to look at my new frankenboobs... wow they are not as bad as I feared. They feel odd and don't feel a part of my yet but they do not look as scary as I thought they would. It also felt great to be able to use a sports bra opposed to the super uncomfortable surgical bra. I have to wear a 'binding' bra 24/7 to help the swelling to go down other then when I shower. I am still on restricted activity. I can not lift anything heavier then a gallon of milk and I need to keep my driving local. I go back for another check up next Wednesday to see how things are progressing. It feels good to get out and each day I feel better and better. All I can say is GOD is GOOD and I am so blessed!! xo

Double Mastectomy

How quickly time flies! When I finished chemo back in February May 1st seemed so far away but it came up quicker then I could ever imagine. During the 2 months I was waiting for surgery my days were filled with doctor appointments. After I had my port removed (it went well) I also had to have  a EKG, chest x-ray, lots of blood work, physical and I followed up with my vascular surgeon. Every test came back fine and I was cleared for surgery. I also had a consultation with my radiation oncologist.

The weeks leading up to the surgery were difficult for me. I was okay with the surgery part but I had a hard time excepting the removal of my breasts. I read several books and blogs to figure out to become okay with it.What I learned is that I needed to go through a grieving process.... and the Xanax that my doctor prescribed helped too. I'm not sure I really became okay with it but May 1st came and it was surgery time. I surprised myself  on how calm I was. It wasn't until they were about to wheel to the OR that the waterworks started. In that second it became real. Thankfully the anesthesiologist had already given me something to calm me and out I went. I hardly  remember saying goodbye to  David and the next thing I remember is waking up in my room,

While I was out I had my ovaries and tubes removed, the mastectomy and the tissue expanders were put in. Monday night went by in a haze. I had a hard time staying awake, as I was returning text to people I fell asleep mid typing then suddenly my eyes would pop open and I would continue. It really was quite comical. I spent two nights in the hospital and so happy to be released Wednesday before lunch. It's always good to go home and so happy to see Jack and Ava. All three surgeons said it all went well and everything looked clear of cancer. Now we wait for the pathology results to confirm that. I am very thankfully that my pain has not been to bad. Pain management is good and hoping it will just get better every day. Let the healing begin!! I can hardly believe that surgery day has come and gone. I have two drains in until Monday then I can shower and slowly add more activity in my life.

I'm not sure when I will be able to look at my Frankenboobs but luckily they are bandaged for the rest of the week and I don't have to look yet. I am so thankful for all the love and prayers, it makes each step more bearable. Please keep the healing prayers coming. XO

Half Way There

I can not believe it is April already! Not quite sure how time got away from me and it took me this long to post an update, the weeks seem to be flying by. When I write these blog posts it brings up a lot of emotion and I have to be in the right frame of mind to write. so here it goes...

On February 28 I had my last chemo. It came and went with out much fanfare and I am so happy to be done! It marks the end of the first part of my journey and now onto the next. On March 6th I had a bone scan to check if the cancer had stopped in my bones. After a long week of waiting I finally had an oncologist appointment to get the results and I could not have received better news... "No signs of metastatic disease." Wow!! I cried for days!! I have never seen my kids happier. I can not even describe the relief I felt that day... Or every day since! Although I am only half way there, it is much easier moving forward knowing everything from this point forward is preventative care. I do not have to go back to my oncologist again until after my surgery. In the mean time I made an appointment to meet my radiologist oncologist. I will meet her at the end of the month to find out my treatment plan after surgery.

I have lots of appointments over the next month. I had a follow up appointment with the vascular surgeon. Tomorrow (April 5th) I will have my port removed. Hallelujah!! After having further blood work it was determined that the port was the cause of my clot. I can not wait to to get it out! It will be another step in this journey done. Next week I will begin my pre-op testing for my surgery that is scheduled for May 1st. I will have a mastectomy, tissue expanders and my ovaries and tubes removed. Whew! That's a lot in one day! Looking forward to being on the other side of that!!

I have experienced 6,000 emotions since being diagnosed. It is one roller coaster ride I can not wait to get off of. I can not wait to feel normal again.. well I guess my new normal. I can not wait to have longer hair and all my eyelashes and eyebrows. I can not wait to lose this 35 lbs I put on during chemo. I can not wait to not be out of breath just from walking up stairs. And I can not wait until I am not completely exhausted from running around with my kids all weekend. I guess I was blessed  that I never really looked sick. There were definitely days that I felt far worse then I looked making it really easy to say "I'm doing good," although most days I didn't feel that way at all. I just want to feel myself!! I know everyone says "I look great" or "The weight will come off." It's not about the weight or how I physically look but how I feel. I feel off and my emotions get the best of me on most days.

I am nervous and worried about the upcoming surgeries. I know I my decisions are the best ones I could make but it does not make it easier. I have faced breast cancer head on from day one even when it was not easy. I am great when it comes to the matter of fact things and I do what I have to. I endured test after test, doctor after doctor, treatments and medications. These are things I did with out complaint because that is how I will get better. Having a mastectomy is a whole different ball game. It is taking a piece of me that I can never get back. It is life changing in many ways. I know I will get through it like everything else but I'm not sure it will be quite as easy.

I am so blessed to have life. I feel blessed to have such a great support system of family, friends and the community around us. I feel so blessed to have a husband who has been my rock and been there each step of the way. I am so blessed to have two amazing children who have handled this so well and always had an "I love you Mom" when I needed it most. Puts life in perspective. Remember "Enjoy the little things in life, for someday you will realize they were the big things."

Keep the prayers coming! It's not over yet! XO

Craziness Ensues

Nothing is ever simple so I'm not sure why I even entertained the idea that was it for my blood clot. On Wednesday I had a follow up appointment with my general physician. She in turn referred me to a vascular surgeon. Thankfully I was able to get an appointment first thing Thursday morning. After reciting once again everything that happened and the time line of past testing & treatments as well as future treatments and surgery (Do you know how tired I am of telling this story??) she determines the best way to proceed is to treat the blood clot aggressively. Unfortunately not as aggressively as she would like due to my port still needing to be accessed. (She also suggested that as soon as my port was no longer needed I should have it removed being it may be the reason for the clot.) The decision was made to perform a deep vein thrombolyis first thing Friday morning followed by an over night in ICU for observation, Lucky me!! The procedure is used to dissolve the clot by inserting a catheter into the vein and clot. Then, clot-dissolving medication is delivered to the clot through the catheter. Sounds like fun...well as much as another hospital stay was not something I wanted to do it was a no brainer, I had to do it. Of course my day could not end there...

After being diagnosed with the blood clot I felt my reconstruction decision was made for me, I am going to get implants after my mastectomy. I feel the DEIP free flap was just to evasive and risky. After a conversation with my breast surgeon she confirmed what I was thinking, my surgery just became complicated. I am high risk for another blood clot as well as a hematoma. During my appointment with the vascular surgeon I needed to be on the blood thinner for 3 months before surgery. Instead of having my  mastectomy in April it is now pushed off to May 3. Ugh another month of waiting! Here's where my day got even more fun! Thursday afternoon I had an appointment with a gynecological oncologist to determine weather I could get my ovaries out in lieu of taking the tamoxifine to stop the estrogen in my body. After a consultation and exam she determined it is my best option and I could have them removed the same day as my breast surgery, Even though this decision was already made in my mind before the appointment it is still overwhelming. On May 3 I will have a mastectomy, tissue expanders put in (the first step to my reconstruction) and my ovaries out. Whew!! That is a lot to take in!

I survived the procedure and the stay in the hospital. The swelling in my arm is mostly gone and fingers crossed the clot was broken up. Today (Monday) I had a follow up with my oncologist. The antibiotic worked and the infection in my nails is gone, although they are still a mess. After lots of back and forth she is allowing me to have my last 2 chemo. In the mean time I need to be diligent on keeping my nails clean to prevent another infection or worse case sepsis. February 28th I will have my last chemo and on March 6th I will have a bone scan to see if the cancer in my hip was stopped. Then I have my follow up appointment for the results on March 10th. In the mean time she is figuring out my treatment plan moving forward, she is concerned with me going 2 full months without anything, (And now so am I!)

The last few weeks have been crazy and lots of decisions have been made. It is all overwhelming and emotionally draining. I'm trying to stay positive and take things one day at a time although it is not always easy, I have said many times over the last few weeks "I just can't do this anymore." I know no matter what I will keep fighting but at times its just a lot to handle. All the texts, messages, cards and of course the never ending encouragement from David, Jack and Ava help me get through those low points. Thank you for the love and support! Keep the prayers coming, they make all the difference!! Xo

What Now??

This past weekend was crazy! Saturday morning I woke up with a pain in my clavicle area all the way down to my port. I blew it off, I thought maybe I slept wrong. I had an early morning because Ava had a feis. After walking from the car to the venue I was also a little bit more out of breath then normal. Thankfully we were home in the early afternoon and I could spend the rest of the day resting. I was very tired which is pretty much the norm now. David and I headed up to bed a little after 11pm. As I was brushing my teeth I noticed my left hand was swelling and moving up my arm. This was not normal!! After getting someone to stay with the kids we headed to the ER. We were there for hours!! I had a CT scan and a chest x-ray. The doctor thought maybe I had a blood clot but didn't seem to confident in his diagnosis. He also wanted to do an ultrasound on my arm but unfortunately there was not a tech available until morning. I was not comfortable receiving any treatment with out knowing for sure what was wrong so we headed home at 4am. Exhausting!!

The next morning I put in a call to the surgeon who put my port in. The on call doctor agreed that I needed an ultrasound. Back to the hospital we went. The ultrasound showed a possible blood clot in my left clavicle area but they wanted to be sure. A radiologist was called in to do a venogram. He believed he saw a clot but wanted to be 100% sure of the diagnosis so he proceeded to do another CT scan. After hours of waiting I was diagnosed with left subclavian vein thrombosis aka a blood clot under my clavicle bone. They administers a shot of Heparin (anticoagulant/blood thinner) and kept over night for observation. The next morning my surgeon came back and flushed my port to make sure there was not a clot in it. I was administered another shot of Heparin and sent home with a prescription for Prodaxa (an oral blood thinner.)

I was exhausted Monday and spent much of the day napping. By Tuesday the swelling went down dramatically and off to chemo I went. In the mean time my nail situation was increasingly getting worse. A few nails are lifting and the thumb on my left had looked green under the nail and was very swollen and becoming painful. I made an appointment with my oncologist for Wednesday for her to take a look. By the time of my appointment the nail was oozing and bleeding. GROSS!! What is happening to my nails is a side effect from the chemo, she put me on an antibiotic and told me to skip chemo next week. I go back for a check up on the 20th to determine weather I will continue with chemo or not. Yesterday may have been my last. Having the blood clot also changed my treatment plan. After chemo is over I was suppose to go on Tamoxifin (estrogen modulator) for 5 years but I am not going to be able to now. I now have to consider having my ovaries removed to put me into menopause to stop producing estrogen, this lowers my risk of the cancer returning. Now that I am on a blood thinner my mastectomy maybe put off for a few weeks, I am waiting to hear back from my surgeon on this. March 6 I will go for a bone scan to check if the cancer was stopped in my hip. I am very hopeful since the tumor in my breast responded so well.

I have lots of decisions to make in the next few weeks. I'm trying to take it one day at a time but all of it is overwhelming. I'm so thankful for my family to keep me grounded. Jack and Ava have been amazing and so supportive. I know it is not easy on them and I am amazed on how strong they are. Keep the prayers coming, Amazing healing is happening! Xo

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

The day my breast cancer was diagnosed as stage 3 (actually stage 4 because it metastasized) I knew without a doubt a double mastectomy was in my future. I feel confidant with my decision, if I opted for a single I know I would spend the rest of my life worrying that the cancer would return in the other breast. Little did I know that just deciding on the type of reconstruction would be so emotionally draining. It's a lot to wrap my head around and a big decision to be made.

On Monday I had a consultation with the plastic surgeon who will be doing my reconstructive surgery. The reconstruction will take place the same day as the mastectomy. I have two options on the type of reconstruction I can have. The first option is reconstruction with tissue expanders and breast implants. This procedure is a two stage operation, the first stage is the placement of a tissue expander implant during time of the mastectomy. The second stage is the replacement of the expander for a permanent implant several months later after radiation is complete. This option only adds 1- 1 1/2 hours to the 4-5 hour mastectomy surgery. After this procedure I would be in the hospital 2 days and drains in for up to 2 weeks. Choosing the implants would also come with some maintenance, in 10 years I would have to have the implants replaced. My second option is reconstruction with my own body's tissues. The procedure called  DIEP free flap (Deep Inferior Epigastic Perforated flap) would use the tissue from my lower abdomen with careful dissection of the blood vessels through the muscle allowing to preserve the muscle. Essentially I would get the bonus of a "tummy tuck" with my reconstruction. This surgery takes approximately 7 hours making it a total of 12 hour surgery time. I would spend 4 days in the hospital and the drains in up to 2 weeks. No further surgery would be needed but recovery will be a little rougher with healing of the abdominal surgery. I have the choice of having nipple sparing which would allow me to keep my own nipples or I could go with other options for nipples.

I received a lot of information at once. Thankfully my friend Mary was with me because half way through I was a deer in headlights. She was able to ask questions that I could not even form. For the most part I handled the information pretty well. It was all straight forward and each procedure was explained well. It wasn't until seeing before and after pictures of woman that went through these procedures that the tears came. It hit me then and there that this is life changing and I would never be the same again. I cried off and on all afternoon trying to digest it all. In the mean time due to having two c-sections I need to have a scan done on my abdominal area to make sure there is no nerve damage there, if there is the DIEP free flap will not be an option. I think this part of the journey is going to be the hardest for me. The loss of hair, crazy nails and weight gain is all temporary but reconstructive surgery is permanent.

The last couple days it has been hard to keep my emotions in check. I have 4 more chemo treatments to get through. The first week of March I will have a bone scan to see if the cancer in my hip was stopped and hopefully gone. I have the month of March to heal and regain my strength and surgery is going to be scheduled the first week of April. I need to get a radiation oncologist and after surgery and healing my radiation treatments will begin. As far as I have come I still have a long road ahead. Day by day, step by step I know I will get through this. It will be an emotional roller coaster but thankfully I have such amazing support. XO

Finally Positive News!!

Lately all I have been thinking is "I want my life back!" Although I feel so blessed that my body has handled the chemo so well with minimal side effects, emotionally I have been struggling. I am so over being tired all the time, having no energy and just not feeling myself. This whole process takes a toll on you. I have really tried to keep a positive attitude but sometime I just can't. Last Monday I had a follow up visit with my oncologist, She had a hard time finding the lump which was great news, I'm responding well. It was a routine visit and all is well. Tuesday I completed round 7 of chemo, only 5 more to go! Yay!! I'm on the home stretch!! My calcium level has returned to normal (it was off a few weeks ago) but my liver enzymes were off. No more wine for me!! Crazy thing is I only had one glass 2 days before chemo and they think that's what changed the numbers. Hopefully next Tuesday it will be back to normal.

Today I had a consultation with my breast surgeon and it could not have gone better. After an exam and an ultrasound to confirm, she believes the tumor in my breast is gone and only scar tissue remains. Hallelujah!!! As the oncologist suspected I am responding awesome to chemo!! I could have a lumpectomy but I am opting to have a double mastectomy. I am not leaving any chance for the cancer to return and feel confident with my decision. My next step is to meet with a plastic surgeon to make a decision on the type of reconstruction I will have. (The call is already in to make an appointment.) Once that decision is made I can book the procedure and we are shooting for the first week of April. The surgeries will take place in one day and will take approximately 12 hours. In the mean time I finish chemo and in early March I will have a bone scan to see if the cancer in my hip was stopped. I am very hopeful since I am responding so well in the breast,

This whole journey has been an emotional roller coaster. Every day brings a new emotion and there have been times I just want to quit. Today's news is what I needed to help me continue my fight. I am not out of the woods yet and have months ahead of me but I am so hopeful. I could not have gotten this far without the love and support of my family and friends. I could not ask for better people in my life! Most of all the support of my family. David, Jack and Ava are the reason I get out of bed everyday and fight as hard as I do. Our family is stronger then ever! Thank you for the prayers and love!! God is good and I am grateful for his presence in my life! XO

One Foot In Front Of The Other

I can't believe it's January 2017 already! Time flies when your having fun! Well it has not exactly been fun. I am half way through my chemo treatments. Some days I feel like it flew by, other days it feels like forever! November 29th was my last of my first round of chemo and December 1st was the last of my Neulasta shots. Hallelujah!! Ironically enough the one thing given to boost my immune system gave me the worst reaction. My side effects the last round were less severe but lasted longer. On December 13th my second round of chemo started, once a week for 12 weeks. So far I am handling this round pretty good. The side effects are manageable but annoying. Thankfully by appearance I don't look sick other then being bald and now my eyelashes and eyebrows are starting to come out. If asked how I'm feeling my usual response is good, by all out ward appearance I am. The truth of the matter I pretty much feel like crap most of the time but no use in complaining about something that seems to be my new normal for now. I have tingly swollen fingers, my nails hurt (so annoying), horribly dry skin ,I'm achy, tired, I gained weight from the steroids, I over heat all the time, a roller coaster of moods and just overall I don't feel like myself. And don't get me started on my "chemo brain!" I just keep saying "this to shall pass."

Overall Jack and Ava seem to handling everything with stride. They are definitely sensitive to my moods and my bad days. I am so proud of them for really stepping up and being so helpful. I am trying to keep life as normal as possible for them. Jack chose not to do anything over winter which has been nice and Ava is keeping up with her Irish dance. We took a little break from Feis which was a much needed break. Sometimes it takes everything I have to take her but I know how important it is to her and how much she loves it. I am so grateful for my dance Moms for all their support and carting Ava around when I am not up for it. 

The truth is having cancer is lonely. Even with all the support I have it is such a personal journey. When your first diagnosed the out pouring is almost overwhelming. You are in shock, people are in shock and a million decisions have to be made. Then life goes on. People work, they have their own life problems, they have kids to run to sports and other activities. Life is busy and they are the lucky ones, they get a break from it. They get hour and days to not think about it. I think about and live it 24/7. It has consumed my life. My family is lucky to, David gets a break at work and the kids get a break at school. Not that it leaves their mind but they have distraction for at least a few hours. It has been hard being home so much. Sitting still is not my thing, I'm use to going a hundred miles a minute. I miss my life. I miss being me. I miss being busy. I miss working and my clients. I miss volunteering and all my school involvement. I know months from now I will be other side of this but that light doesn't seem so near. On January 25th I go to the breast surgeon to start planning my next steps. Hopefully the chemo stopped the bone cancer so I can have the double mastectomy, which will be followed by radiation, I am counting the days until my last chemo on February 28th.

I am so grateful to my wonderful husband who is been my rock even when he doesn't feel like he is. David has been by my side 100% of the way. I am so grateful for my incredible kids that roll with the punches even when I have break downs and completely lose it on them. They always know when I need a boost and extra love. This journey is making us stronger and more appreciative of the little things. I can not thank my family, friends and community enough for all the love support. From the little jesters to the big ones. I know people feel like they don't want to bother me with constant texts and messages but I greatly appreciate them even when I don't reply. Some times it's all that gets me through the day. I am so thankful for all the meals and for the people who have sat through hours of chemo with me and all the thoughts and prayers. For now I will continue to put one foot in front of the other and continue my fight because losing is not an option! Keep the love and prayers coming! I can use all I can get! XO