Time Flies

Wow the last 7 months passed in a blink of an eye! Thankfully it has been a healthy 7 months. Every day I am starting to feel better and more like myself. I'm not sure I will ever not worry or think about the cancer coming back but in the mean time getting use to my new normal. Here's whats been happening since my last post... (which has been way too long!!)

By fall I had finally recovered from my radiation treatments. My skin still has a little discoloring but otherwise healed well. I have had 2 follow up visits with my radiation oncologist and so far all looks good. My right breast muscle is much tighter then my left leaving a weird numbing sensation. Not sure this will get better or not but it definitely is keeping that breast nice and perky! Which brings me to my reconstruction and plastic surgeon...

On Halloween I had my implant exchange, it was a pretty easy surgery and recovery. It feels good to have the 'rocks' (aka expanders) out and my implants put in. They have healed well and I have to say I have an incredible plastic surgeon. My biggest decision was nipples or no nipples. After much thought I decided to hold off getting nipples. Honestly I'm so use to the way I look that it doesn't really matter, it would be more for a visual then anything else. Also I can get them at anytime if I change my mind. My implants are finally settling in. My left breast feels a little more natural and hangs slightly lower then my right which sits higher due to the muscle tightness from radiation. I go back to the plastic surgeon in April I am hoping he will agree to do a lift on my left breast and at the same time fix my port scar that did not heal the way I hoped. That scar is not as bad as it could be but it still bothers me.

I followed up with my medical oncologist in December. At the time I was having severe hip pain and feeling achy. To be one the safe side she had me get an MRI and another bone scan. Thankfully everything came back fine. She thinks the pain maybe from bursitis. After several months the hip pain has subsided but the achy bones still comes and goes. My blood work confirmed I am officially in menopause which means I can go on long term medication to prevent the cancer from coming back. She gave me some time to get back to myself and lose some weight. I started Weight Watchers a few months ago and lost 12 of the 35 lbs I gained from chemo. I still have a long way to go but I am starting to feel better.

Today was the day that I have been dreading... I went back to the oncologist and was put on Femera. Femera is a form of hormone therapy known as an aromatase inhibitor, by reducing the amount of estrogen in postmenopausal woman or to put it simply, a long term drug to help prevent the cancer from coming back. Basically I am being treated like I am 65 years old (my doctors words not mine) and there is a huge possibility I could have mood swings (because I don't have any of those), hot flashes (because breaking out in a sweat every few hours isn't enough), joint pain (and I thought I got rid of that!), headaches and blurry vision, oh and limited to no alcohol. Sounds like fun doesn't it! I agreed to try it for 3 months but if I really feel crappy I am going to take my chances and go off of it.

Emotionally I feel like I am on a roller coaster. I still get weepy for no reason, cry for no reason, lose my patience for no reason, feel overwhelmed and have days it takes all I got in me to get out of bed. I do my best to put on a happy face and really try to enjoy the simple things. I have days that I feel 'normal' and happy but they are not as frequent as I would like. Apparently these are all typical feelings after treatment and will slowly go away. For now I am going to keep reminding myself how blessed I am and keep counting down the days until I am 1 year cancer free! Thank you for the continued prayers!! XO

The End of Treatment

Hard to believe it is August already and almost a year since my diagnosis. I have to say even though there were moments I felt like time was standing still, this year did move pretty quickly. I recovered well from my mastectomy after the drains were removed; it felt like a eternity that they were in. My last check up with the plastic surgeon went well. He was happy with my healing and in November I will get my implants. One more surgery and that hopefully will be the end.

After recovering from surgery I began radiation therapy. 5 days a week for 5 weeks. Radiation was easy and quick (I was there at the most 20 minutes!)  I did not feel a thing and really had no side effects until the end. About 3 days before my last session my skin began to peel. At first it wasn't bad and was very manageable. Unfortunately it gets worse before it gets better. Well that was definitely played down!! I was not prepared for the pain, oozing and open wounds. I apply Auqaphor several times a day along with a burn cream but neither give much relief. The burns are big, from my clavicle bone to the bottom of my breast, from my sternum to under my armpit, down my side and slightly on my back. There were days I had to wear bandages tucked into a super soft bra because the skin was sticking and coming off on my clothing. It was so gross!! The pain was unbearable at times and worse then the pain I had from my mastectomy. I was not prepared at all for this!!

Here I am 3 weeks later and most of the oozing has stopped and although the pain is not gone it is much better... a little more bearable. Thankfully before the pain got to its worst we were able to get away for a quick overnight at the beach. It was an awesome, much needed two day break from cancer. It was relaxing and wonderful to have no schedule and to enjoy my kids. Before I went away I had a follow up with my medical oncologist. I need to get blood work once my wounds heal and for now no medication. I go back in December for a checkup, sometime this winter a bone scan and I follow up with my radiation oncologist at the end of the month.

Having cancer is a life changing! Not only for me but the people around me, especially my family. I have learned a lot about myself, I was able to draw strength even in the moments I didn't think I could. I also learned a lot about other people. I had incredible friends who stood by me in the good, the bad and the ugly that I became closer to and friends that I drifted from. What no one tells you when your diagnosed is cancer will take over your life. You eat, sleep and breath cancer. Your schedule revolves around treatments and doctor appointments. It is all consuming. It is overwhelming. It is scary. I am so grateful for the people that stood by me, who I'm sure got tired of hearing my complaints and problems but still checked in with me often. They know who they are and I love them dearly.

I feel as if for the last year my life has been on hold. I look forward to getting my life back. Getting back to work, running my kids in fifty directions and not being consumed by cancer. I am so proud of  Jack and Ava and how they have handled this last year. They were extremely supportive, didn't bat an eye when I lost my 'shit' on them for no reason and just rolled with the punches. I look forward to new beginnings and enjoying the little things. Life is to short to worry about menial stuff. I know our perspective on life is forever changed!! xo

The Truth Is...

There are many things I have learned since being diagnosed with breast cancer, the first being BREAST CANCER IS NOT ONE SIZE FITS ALL! The truth is it is not PINK and fluffy. The truth is each stage of breast cancer has a certain "protocol" of treatment. The truth is it is unpredictable. The truth is everyone handles it differently. The truth is you will experience 6 million emotions. The truth is support groups are not for everyone. The truth is every persons journey is different. The truth is the "bed side manner" of any doctor, nurse, tech...will really make a difference in how you handle each and every procedure or treatment. The truth is breast cancer does not only effect the person who has it but family, friends and everyone around them. The truth is some people will disappoint you. The truth is some people will surprise you. The truth is your FAITH will be tested. The truth is you will hear more times then you can count "You're so strong. I would not be able to do it." The truth is YES YOU WOULD because you have two choices... fight to live or give up. The truth is you WILL find the strength when you need it most. The truth is I am fighting with all I got because winning is the ONLY option!

The truth is BREAST CANCER SUCKS!!  

THE TRUTH IS   

I saw a meme the other day that said "Have you ever just sat back and thought... Damn I've been through a lot of shit." Let me tell you my family has had our fair share of challenges but every challenge has made us stronger as a family. As many know dealing with family health issues is not new to us. I have always tried to be positive but after dealing with Ava's hip dysplasia I began to appreciate the little things more. After we got to the other side I thought it would be the hardest thing we would face. Boy was I wrong!! When dealing with any health issue attitude is half the battle and staying positive even on the roughest days can make the world of difference. The truth is I don't think what I am doing is anything special or amazing. I am just a Mom doing what I have to do to be here to watch my kids grow up. I am very fortunate that my body has handled every treatment well and I am lucky that I never looked "sick" even on my worst days.  I am thankful I have husband that loves me, an INCREDIBLE support system and fortunate that David and I could be completely honest with Jack and Ava and they have handled these last 8 months like champs.

I have awesome doctors that have explained everythings well and tell me the best to their knowledge of what to expect but the one thing they can't tell me is how to get through it. When you get a cancer diagnosis you have no idea what the outcome will be. It's scary and so many decisions have to be made quickly. Here's the side people don't see. I suffer from depression and was diagnosed almost 5 years after Ava's ordeal. I am not ashamed or scared to admit it, in fact I had to double my medication to get through this. After my first chemo and I was so sick I wanted to give up more then anything and even said to David "I can't do this!" He laughed at me and reminded me how strong and determined I can be. There were days it took everything I had to get out of bed and get my kids off to school. There were days after I got the kids out the door that I did not leave the couch until they got home. There were days I cried none stop. There were days that I sat at a soccer game or took Ava to a feis and I felt like I was run over by a truck, yet when people asked how I was doing I smiled and said "Great!" I never want pity or people to feel sorry for me. Through out treatment I continued to make lunches every day, clean my house and do the laundry not because I had to (and lord knows enough people offered) but because I needed something normal in my life. 

The truth is cancer changes you and puts everything in perspective. I chose to be positive and from the day I was diagnosed I said I would win and now I am beating this awful disease. The truth is I hope by sharing my story I make a difference in at least one persons life. The truth is there will always be someone that has it better then you and always someone that has it worse then you. You are your own destiny and it is your choice how you face life's challenges. It's all in perspective... Chose wisely because life is to short to not walk in the sunshine. XO

Recovery

It has been 18 days since surgery! Funny thing is I came on my blog to update about my surgery and realized I already did. Clearly I was more drugged up then I remember and my memory still sucks. So far things have been going well. The first week I was home I had minimal pain but it was very difficult to get comfortable. I was able to get around okay but limited movement on my upper half...even if I wanted to move more I couldn't. One week after surgery I returned to the plastic surgeon for a check up. Everything was healing well so far but unfortunately my drains were not ready to come out. We scheduled an appointment for Thursday but come Thursday there was still to much drainage. The hardest part in this early part of the recovery was the drains. They were uncomfortable and I had this fear of accidentally yanking them out.

On Thursday May 11th I received a call from the nurse practitioner that works with my breast surgeons. This is the call that I have been trying to not think about, the call I dreaded and wanted all at the same time. When I answered she first asked how I was doing, feeling and healing then proceeded to tell me the pathology results were in. (Me holding my breath...) She immediately said they are good. Oh thank God!! and HAPPY tears ran down my face as I listened. First she praised me for making the choices I did... My left breast (noncancerous one) had ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS) or in layman's terms pre-cancerous cells, the right nipple (the cancerous breast) had stage 0 cancer (or the same as my left breast) and the cancerous cells removed had negative margins. In other words no cancer cells were seen on the outer edge of the removed tissue. They got it all!!! Goodbye cancer!! I have had a lot of positive news over the last few months but this is the first time I felt absolute relief. It's the first time I felt like I could celebrate. I never worried about having surgery but I really struggled with accepting the loss of my breasts. I could not wrap my head around being okay with it. From the day I was diagnosed I said I would have a double mastectomy but accepting it is a whole different ball game. This phone call was my moment of clarity. I made the best decision ever!! GOODBYE BREASTS!! YOU WERE TRYING TO KILL ME!!!

This may have been my best Mother's Day ever!! I even felt well enough to go to Jack's soccer game drains and all. Thankfully this past Monday (May 15th) my drains were finally ready to be removed or I should say yanked out...the only way to remove them. Ouch!! And finally after 2 weeks I could shower! I swear that was the best shower I have ever had, I literally stayed in there until the hot water was running out. I finally got the courage to look at my new frankenboobs... wow they are not as bad as I feared. They feel odd and don't feel a part of my yet but they do not look as scary as I thought they would. It also felt great to be able to use a sports bra opposed to the super uncomfortable surgical bra. I have to wear a 'binding' bra 24/7 to help the swelling to go down other then when I shower. I am still on restricted activity. I can not lift anything heavier then a gallon of milk and I need to keep my driving local. I go back for another check up next Wednesday to see how things are progressing. It feels good to get out and each day I feel better and better. All I can say is GOD is GOOD and I am so blessed!! xo

Double Mastectomy

How quickly time flies! When I finished chemo back in February May 1st seemed so far away but it came up quicker then I could ever imagine. During the 2 months I was waiting for surgery my days were filled with doctor appointments. After I had my port removed (it went well) I also had to have  a EKG, chest x-ray, lots of blood work, physical and I followed up with my vascular surgeon. Every test came back fine and I was cleared for surgery. I also had a consultation with my radiation oncologist.

The weeks leading up to the surgery were difficult for me. I was okay with the surgery part but I had a hard time excepting the removal of my breasts. I read several books and blogs to figure out to become okay with it.What I learned is that I needed to go through a grieving process.... and the Xanax that my doctor prescribed helped too. I'm not sure I really became okay with it but May 1st came and it was surgery time. I surprised myself  on how calm I was. It wasn't until they were about to wheel to the OR that the waterworks started. In that second it became real. Thankfully the anesthesiologist had already given me something to calm me and out I went. I hardly  remember saying goodbye to  David and the next thing I remember is waking up in my room,

While I was out I had my ovaries and tubes removed, the mastectomy and the tissue expanders were put in. Monday night went by in a haze. I had a hard time staying awake, as I was returning text to people I fell asleep mid typing then suddenly my eyes would pop open and I would continue. It really was quite comical. I spent two nights in the hospital and so happy to be released Wednesday before lunch. It's always good to go home and so happy to see Jack and Ava. All three surgeons said it all went well and everything looked clear of cancer. Now we wait for the pathology results to confirm that. I am very thankfully that my pain has not been to bad. Pain management is good and hoping it will just get better every day. Let the healing begin!! I can hardly believe that surgery day has come and gone. I have two drains in until Monday then I can shower and slowly add more activity in my life.

I'm not sure when I will be able to look at my Frankenboobs but luckily they are bandaged for the rest of the week and I don't have to look yet. I am so thankful for all the love and prayers, it makes each step more bearable. Please keep the healing prayers coming. XO

Half Way There

I can not believe it is April already! Not quite sure how time got away from me and it took me this long to post an update, the weeks seem to be flying by. When I write these blog posts it brings up a lot of emotion and I have to be in the right frame of mind to write. so here it goes...

On February 28 I had my last chemo. It came and went with out much fanfare and I am so happy to be done! It marks the end of the first part of my journey and now onto the next. On March 6th I had a bone scan to check if the cancer had stopped in my bones. After a long week of waiting I finally had an oncologist appointment to get the results and I could not have received better news... "No signs of metastatic disease." Wow!! I cried for days!! I have never seen my kids happier. I can not even describe the relief I felt that day... Or every day since! Although I am only half way there, it is much easier moving forward knowing everything from this point forward is preventative care. I do not have to go back to my oncologist again until after my surgery. In the mean time I made an appointment to meet my radiologist oncologist. I will meet her at the end of the month to find out my treatment plan after surgery.

I have lots of appointments over the next month. I had a follow up appointment with the vascular surgeon. Tomorrow (April 5th) I will have my port removed. Hallelujah!! After having further blood work it was determined that the port was the cause of my clot. I can not wait to to get it out! It will be another step in this journey done. Next week I will begin my pre-op testing for my surgery that is scheduled for May 1st. I will have a mastectomy, tissue expanders and my ovaries and tubes removed. Whew! That's a lot in one day! Looking forward to being on the other side of that!!

I have experienced 6,000 emotions since being diagnosed. It is one roller coaster ride I can not wait to get off of. I can not wait to feel normal again.. well I guess my new normal. I can not wait to have longer hair and all my eyelashes and eyebrows. I can not wait to lose this 35 lbs I put on during chemo. I can not wait to not be out of breath just from walking up stairs. And I can not wait until I am not completely exhausted from running around with my kids all weekend. I guess I was blessed  that I never really looked sick. There were definitely days that I felt far worse then I looked making it really easy to say "I'm doing good," although most days I didn't feel that way at all. I just want to feel myself!! I know everyone says "I look great" or "The weight will come off." It's not about the weight or how I physically look but how I feel. I feel off and my emotions get the best of me on most days.

I am nervous and worried about the upcoming surgeries. I know I my decisions are the best ones I could make but it does not make it easier. I have faced breast cancer head on from day one even when it was not easy. I am great when it comes to the matter of fact things and I do what I have to. I endured test after test, doctor after doctor, treatments and medications. These are things I did with out complaint because that is how I will get better. Having a mastectomy is a whole different ball game. It is taking a piece of me that I can never get back. It is life changing in many ways. I know I will get through it like everything else but I'm not sure it will be quite as easy.

I am so blessed to have life. I feel blessed to have such a great support system of family, friends and the community around us. I feel so blessed to have a husband who has been my rock and been there each step of the way. I am so blessed to have two amazing children who have handled this so well and always had an "I love you Mom" when I needed it most. Puts life in perspective. Remember "Enjoy the little things in life, for someday you will realize they were the big things."

Keep the prayers coming! It's not over yet! XO

Craziness Ensues

Nothing is ever simple so I'm not sure why I even entertained the idea that was it for my blood clot. On Wednesday I had a follow up appointment with my general physician. She in turn referred me to a vascular surgeon. Thankfully I was able to get an appointment first thing Thursday morning. After reciting once again everything that happened and the time line of past testing & treatments as well as future treatments and surgery (Do you know how tired I am of telling this story??) she determines the best way to proceed is to treat the blood clot aggressively. Unfortunately not as aggressively as she would like due to my port still needing to be accessed. (She also suggested that as soon as my port was no longer needed I should have it removed being it may be the reason for the clot.) The decision was made to perform a deep vein thrombolyis first thing Friday morning followed by an over night in ICU for observation, Lucky me!! The procedure is used to dissolve the clot by inserting a catheter into the vein and clot. Then, clot-dissolving medication is delivered to the clot through the catheter. Sounds like fun...well as much as another hospital stay was not something I wanted to do it was a no brainer, I had to do it. Of course my day could not end there...

After being diagnosed with the blood clot I felt my reconstruction decision was made for me, I am going to get implants after my mastectomy. I feel the DEIP free flap was just to evasive and risky. After a conversation with my breast surgeon she confirmed what I was thinking, my surgery just became complicated. I am high risk for another blood clot as well as a hematoma. During my appointment with the vascular surgeon I needed to be on the blood thinner for 3 months before surgery. Instead of having my  mastectomy in April it is now pushed off to May 3. Ugh another month of waiting! Here's where my day got even more fun! Thursday afternoon I had an appointment with a gynecological oncologist to determine weather I could get my ovaries out in lieu of taking the tamoxifine to stop the estrogen in my body. After a consultation and exam she determined it is my best option and I could have them removed the same day as my breast surgery, Even though this decision was already made in my mind before the appointment it is still overwhelming. On May 3 I will have a mastectomy, tissue expanders put in (the first step to my reconstruction) and my ovaries out. Whew!! That is a lot to take in!

I survived the procedure and the stay in the hospital. The swelling in my arm is mostly gone and fingers crossed the clot was broken up. Today (Monday) I had a follow up with my oncologist. The antibiotic worked and the infection in my nails is gone, although they are still a mess. After lots of back and forth she is allowing me to have my last 2 chemo. In the mean time I need to be diligent on keeping my nails clean to prevent another infection or worse case sepsis. February 28th I will have my last chemo and on March 6th I will have a bone scan to see if the cancer in my hip was stopped. Then I have my follow up appointment for the results on March 10th. In the mean time she is figuring out my treatment plan moving forward, she is concerned with me going 2 full months without anything, (And now so am I!)

The last few weeks have been crazy and lots of decisions have been made. It is all overwhelming and emotionally draining. I'm trying to stay positive and take things one day at a time although it is not always easy, I have said many times over the last few weeks "I just can't do this anymore." I know no matter what I will keep fighting but at times its just a lot to handle. All the texts, messages, cards and of course the never ending encouragement from David, Jack and Ava help me get through those low points. Thank you for the love and support! Keep the prayers coming, they make all the difference!! Xo