Crazy Emotions

The last 22 days have been a whirlwind of emotion. OVERWHELMING! to say the least. How do you tell your family, the people you love that you have cancer? How do you tell your friends? Trust me it's not easy. I have to say other then calling my parents I told everyone else via text or messages. At first I felt like guilty, I took the easy way out but here's the thing talking about it, repeating yourself, answering question after question is exhausting. Mentally draining. Then you are hit with the awkwardness of "I don't know what to say." Guess what!? There is nothing you can say. There is nothing you can do. I don.t know what I need. No you can't make it better. No you can't understand how I'm feeling because everyone feels or acts differently when faced with this challenge. Bottom line, there is no right or wrong in this situation. Just be you. Say it sucks! Because it does. Say your thinking of me, praying for me, you love me. Cry with me, just be there for me. 

I am so amazingly blessed to have the support system I have, I appreciate every call, text, message, token of love & support I receive. I may not always reply right away but I truly do appreciate it. People always ask how I am doing, my best answer is it depends in the day, the hour, the moment. It depends who's around. It depends on what news I got that day. It depends on what doctor I saw. It's a roller coaster that never stops.

I have moments that I sob uncontrollably. I have moments that I just laugh, how much can one family go through, Seriously?1? I have moments I'm neutral. I have moments I feel nothing. I have moments that I think I can't do this. I don't want to be sick, loose my hair, not be able to do all things that I do with my children. I just want to not do anything, live out my time and be done. Then I think about my children, I can't do that to them. I think about David that I love with my whole heart, who is my rock and is there for the good and the bad. That has unconditionally stood by my side. I think about my huge family and my awesome friends. I know my only decision is to fight. To fight hard! To give it all I got! To watch my kids grow up. To see Jack reach his dreams of being a professional soccer player and commentator. To watch Ava grace the stage Irish dancing, dance after dance. To live a long life with David by my side. To be with my family, watch everyone grow old and live a peaceful life. I will do what it takes to get to the other side of this long exhausting road. Continue to pray for my strength through this journey and for my children to make it out okay on the other side! XO